Advice On Why It's Ok To Lie To The Person You're Dating
posted on 07/17/2009
STOP! WAIT! I know what you're expecting here: one of those dull treatises on the best response to the immortal question "does my ass look big in this?"
Well don't worry, because this advice is NOT going to go there. That would be tired, lame and clichéd. No, this is going to an exciting treatise on the best response to the immortal question "so what do you think of my friends?"
Heh. Look, it's not surprising that this issue of 'what to say when you get asked something where an honest answer could get you in trouble' has been around so long (I can imagine cavemen having to sleep outside after giving the wrong answer to "which makes my thighs look thinner, the leopard skin or the wolf fur?") It's a tricky issue, because it brings up age-old question of when it's ok to lie to someone close to you.
Why do people lie at all?
Most of the time, people lie because, well, the truth hurts. Lies avoid this pain, and so lying is actually a vital social skill.
It smooths the waters, it papers over the cracks, and it keeps people happy. Research shows that people start being able to lie convincingly from the age of four and a half, and that pretty much everyone lies multiple times a day just so they can get through life with as little conflict as possible.
Think about this
When you were a kid, did your mom tell you to give an honest assessment of the cooking when your friend invited you around for dinner? No, she told you to say something nice, whatever you really thought. Smart lady!
Despite this, lying has gotten a bad rap, and that's because there are really two kinds of lying, and the socially useful 'white lie' is not the one that gets all of the attention. There's a world of difference between "I was at home watching TV on the night in question," and "visiting your parents is exactly what I feel like doing this weekend, baby," but when we think about lying we instantly think of the first example rather than the second.
So..
Don't feel too bad about telling your girlfriend the odd white lie - she's almost certainly doing the same thing! Lying is common, and there's no reason to think that our romantic partners exist in some sort of scrupulously honest parallel universe.
The truth is that people lie to their girlfriend or boyfriend just like they lie to their parents ("of course there won't be any alcohol at the party"), their boss ("I put the report right on your desk - I guess the cleaner must have thrown it out"), the IRS ("I did not have any other income during the year") and even their doctor ("I only ever drink in moderation").
Telling white lies is ultimately a way of managing relationships and keeping people happy. As long as you're not lying to cover up having done something really bad, it's probably not worth losing sleep over it. And maybe in time you'll actually start to like her friends!
Good advice, wouldn't you agree?
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Previous Comments
jtrombetti says:
(128d 1h 12min ago)
I don't know usayisay, white lies can lead to big problems. Better to get it straight and not be sorry. Good article. Thanks.
usayisay says:
(127d 22h 32min ago)
I do agree that white lies can lead to big problems. But I also think telling the complete and honest truth can ALSO lead to big problems.
Do you mean to say you would be straight with your significant other when they ask you "wouldn't it be fun to go visit my parents this weekend?".
You might think "HELL NO it wouldn't be fun! Your father's gas is obnoxious and your mother is consistently questioning when we're going to move in/get married/have kids/let them visit the kids/let them move in". But I'm guessing you're not gonna say that are you. You're going to LIE.
Sometimes it's better to keep the peace than to confess you're discontent for her father ;-)
IceCamaro says:
(115d 4h 6min ago)
Very true! Excellent article!
Me and my partner constantly fight about his LACK of lying to me. He was overwhelmed when I told him to never have a playboy magazine around me. I didn't mind if he owned them, I simply asked that he conceal them so I didn't have to know.
Those magazines make me feel very insecure about my own body and so when I see them sprawled around the bathroom, I'm instantly upset. I know how men are so I merely asked him to hide them.
Haha! He thinks I'm crazy but your article really made me see that sometimes (shhhh!) I lie to him too!
usayisay says:
(111d 6h 30min ago)
Thanks IceCamaro! It's interesting to hear you and your partner argue over not lying. Many people thing lying is outright wrong - good to see there are others that see that in some cases its ok!
Also in your situation you are making a very reasonable request. It's not that you dont want him to have the mags - you just dont want to see them. Makes sense to me.
You have also inspired me: I think a lot of guys don't understand why our partners aren't as into playboy mags as we are. We'll have it explained from a female perspective on www.usayisay.com soon!